Communication exercise – conflict

 

 

 

You may like to practice this exercise 3 times a week for 5 - 10 minutes (no more) by discussing areas of minor disagreement. Or simply use it when you are discussing an area of conflict that you need to discuss. Take your time; refer to the instructions as you go through the steps. Take a co-operative approach.

 

 

 

1. 1. Decide who is going to talk and who will listen.

 

 

1. 2. The speaker talks briefly about something which is a problem for them and is an area of conflict between you both. The speaker describes what they think about the problem, how they feel and what they would like to have happen. They focus on explaining what is happening for them and avoid talking about what the other person is doing if possible. They talk in a way that is respectful and non blaming or judgmental of the listener.

 

 

1. 3. The listener summarizes what has been said and their understanding of how the speaker feels. The listener intentionally takes a co-operative and understanding attitude. Emphasizes any areas of agreement, new perspectives they have gained and any common goals.

 

1. 4. Once the speaker feels that the listener has tried to understand how they feel and what they think about the problem - the speaker thanks the listener for listening and trying to understand.  (Help each other with these steps – be patient and cooperative, it is often harder than it seems).

 

 

1. 5. Swap roles – the new speaker talks about their thoughts and feelings about the area of conflict and states what they would like to have happen. They try to emphasize any common ground and acknowledge the other person’s perspective.

 

 

1. 6. The new listener gives feedback in the same way the first listener did.

 

 

1. 7. If either person becomes upset slow down, both be quiet for a moment then the speaker talks about how they feel a bit more and the listener again tries to summarize their understanding of how the speaker feels and what the speaker thinks about the situation. They are deliberately supportive and understanding of the speaker.  The listener may also talk about how they feel if this is in a way that is encouraging and helpful to the speaker.

 

1. 8. Try to emphasize positive feelings, positive things that have or are happening, and the concern and care you have for each other. Be kind, honest, realistic, friendly, co-operative, and optimistic.

 

1. 9. It usually takes several discussions to reach an understanding of each other’s position and to find a resolution or compromise that is genuinely acceptable to each person. Important issues (to one or both people) are worth spending time on and discussing many times if necessary. If either person becomes upset stop until they feel ok. Remain friendly, kind, and supportive even if you are angry about the issue. Decide on a time to continue to talk about the issue – in 5 minutes, 5 hours or even next week. It is often worth giving each other a few days to think about the situation and the other person’s experience of it.

 

1. 10. Between discussions deliberately emphasize the connections between you, show affection, do some things that you enjoy together and talk about the areas and ideas you have in common.

 

 

The aim of this exercise is to

1. Improve your ability to listen and understand each other’s perspective even when you don’t agree about an issue.
2.  To do this in a way where you both feel that the other person respects and cares about you even though they don’t agree with you.

 

With this type of approach an agreement or compromise can often be reached over a period of time.