Increasing goodwill in relationships

In a multigenerational study done by Harvard University of the health and happiness of people the most important factor was having good relationships with close family or friends Many other studies have had similar findings.

In good relationships people treat each other with respect, interest, gratitude, and appreciation. They listen to each other and try to understand, especially when there are differences of opinion. They are friendly, kind, compassionate and they help each other and share their resources and time.

A question to reflect on. How can I show more love to the people I care about?

To understand another person we need to listen to them.

• Listen with your ears, eyes and heart.
• Try to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
• When you have differing views - listen with curiosity, be open to gaining a larger perspective.
• Ask questions aimed at deepening your understanding of the other persons ideas.
• Check your understanding with them.

Something to consider: Schedule time to listen to someone important to you. Be curious and ask questions.

• What do they think?
• Why?    
• How do they feel?
•  How can I help?

There are disagreements, misunderstandings, and accidental hurt in all close relationships.

We can avoid conflict and reduce hurt by actively maintaining good will.

• Be friendly, respectful and kind.
• Help and support each other.
• Be understanding (listen), accepting and curious.
• Explain how you see the situation and how you feel.
• Ask for help.

It is essential to reduce hurtful communications.

• Avoid criticising the other person. try not to tell them what you think they are doing wrong instead focus on how you are feeling, your concerns and what you would like to happen.
• Avoid contempt in the way you talk or act towards the other person. Telling the other person that they are not good enough or putting them down by looking at them with disgust or by calling them derogatory names such as lazy or stupid is extremely hurtful and damaging to relationship and to the people involved.
• Try not to be defensive. If the other person is telling you about a concern or complaint, they have involving you, focus on being friendly and open to understanding their concerns. Avoid retaliating with a list of grievances yourself. Problems are much better delt with one at a time.
• Avoid Avoidance! If you feel upset or hurt give yourself some time to calm yourself then focus on working out a solution to the problem between you.

If either person feels upset in an argument and they can’t relax or think clearly have at least 30 minutes ‘time out’.

Abuse of any kind is harmful - to both people and the relationship

• If you have been abusive – stop, apologise, and do something to make sure you don’t do it again.
• If the other person is being abusive, move out of the line of fire.
• If you don’t feel safe – get help.
• If abuse continues in a relationship – get help and/or leave.
• Listen to your intuition. If you feel unsafe get out of the situation.

Close relationships are often difficult.

• Because we all experience things differently misunderstandings will happen & we see our partner as the “OTHER”
• The more important the relationship is to us the more easily we will be upset!
• Close relationships are the best opportunity to practice being patient, understanding, kind & honest.

 these attitudes produce a happier state of mind for us also

• If we choose to be in a close relationship then we need to work hard to be a ‘reasonable, good enough person’ in the relationship.
• Everybody is difficult to live or work closely with, us included.

When we are being loving – we feel good

Practice being pleasant and kind in thought, word, and action.

Dogs are experts at good relationships! They are always happy to see us. They ask for what they need in a friendly manner. Dogs accept us even when we make mistakes, or we are tired and grumpy. Dogs are often a nuisance but there is no ill will. Dogs never criticize us “you are not DOING well enough” and they are never contemptuous – “YOU are not good enough”