Happy Relationships

Long term close relationships that are happy tend to have several common features. John Gottman, professor of psychology at Washington university, has studied the ways couples relate and has been able to identify the styles of relating that predict a long and happy marriage. These approaches to relationships strengthen and enrich all relationships and are especially helpful with family members and close friends.

1. They have a deep and genuine understanding and interest in the other person.  

They know what has happened to the other person in the past and how that has made them feel.  They know about the details of their life in the present and how they feel in general, and they understand about the other person’s dreams and wishes for the future.

• Spend time getting to know your partner (or the people you care about) and – regularly update yourself.

 

2. They are fond of and admire each other.

 

They think and talk honestly and freely about the things they like about each other. They praise and encourage each other. They talk about good times they have had together and focus on things they have in common and cooperate in working towards shared goals.

• • Think about the times you have enjoyed with your partner and talk with them about shared happy memories.
  • Think about the things you like about your partner and tell them.
  • Think about the things your partner does to help you and ways in which being with them improves your life – thank them.
  • Think about and talk with them about your shared goals and how to work together towards them.

 

3. They spend time together and interact with interest and enjoyment.

 

They spend time together, have fun together and show an interest in each other.

When either, or both, are upset or has difficulties they are supportive and helpful to

each other.

• Regularly connect with your partner – listen and respond to what they say, catch up with what they have been doing, notice or find out how they are feeling.
• Plan and do things together – things that are enjoyable and things that give a sense of achievement.
• Notice when the connection between you changes – think about why this is and if it is helpful to either of you in some way. If the change is unhelpful think about, and possibly discuss, how to improve this
• Talk about any problems or stresses (outside of the relationship) either of you are having. Listen, be supportive and understanding. (Don’t give unsolicited advice, validate how they feel and be ‘on their side’).
• If your partner creates distance think about how they might be feeling and try to understand why they have chosen to move away from you. In what way could the distance help them or make it easier? What do you think they want?

 

 

4.    They understand and accept each other’s ideas and opinions and integrate these into their own perspectives and decisions.

 

They listen to each other’s ideas and opinions and try to understand them. They respect the other person’s ideas and allow themselves to be influenced by them. They try to accommodate the other person when appropriate. They respect their own ideas and perspectives and are also willing to change these when this is helpful to both.

• When you have differing opinions and ideas try to think about the other person’s ideas. What do you agree with? What are the benefits of this idea or viewpoint? How can you integrate these with your own ideas? What would change if you did this? What is most important to you about your own ideas? Is this helpful? If it is, what is the best way of helping your partner understand this?
• Go along with the other person’s ideas when you can – when this is helpful to the relationship or them and it doesn’t cause you a significant problem. (Be honest with your self – if you feel uneasy or any resentment – think and discuss the situation further – don’t go along with something which you have not clearly and honestly chosen once you taken both sides into account – find another option which suits you both better).

 

 

5. They work through solvable problems in a way that is friendly and co-operative

• Start the discussion kindly and gently - deliberately try to avoid upsetting the other person.
• If they become upset change your approach. Reassure them you want to work the situation out together. Ask them about their viewpoint and try to understand it. Accept this is their view even if you don't agree with it.  Let them know you care about how they feel and don't want to upset them. 
• When discussing areas where there is disagreement it is often difficult to avoid upset. What is important is there is no intention to hurt or upset the other person. There is no criticism, no insults or attacks and no angry withdrawal or silences – if you can’t talk because you are upset – calm yourself and explain this to them as soon as you can.  
• Keep a positive connection with the other person if they are upset apologise. Try to find a way to minimise upset.  Remind them that you care about them and the reason for working through the conflict is to improve the relationship between you. 
• If you become upset – calm yourself – take time out if you need to – reassure the other person you want to work the situation out but you need to take time out so you can think clearly. Remind yourself the other person’s intention is to sort out a problem not to deliberately hurt you. If you feel hurt, try to let the other person know how you feel - in a way that avoids blaming them.
• If the other person is critical or attacking it is likely they are feeling hurt, frustrated or insecure. It is their responsibility to deal with their feelings, calm themselves down and treat you in a kind and respectful manner. It is your responsibility to keep your self calm and avoid attacking back – this will only make the situation worse. Try to be calm and helpful when the other person is upset. Show the other person that you love them- be kind and be concerned about how they are feeling and what they are upset about. Listen to them, be patient – it may be hard for them to find the right words. Do what you can to help them feel better. Make eye contact, give them a hug or hold their hand if this is comfortable for both of you. Try to accept their ideas and go along with them if you can.
• If either person becomes more upset stop the discussion, both calm yourselves and  re-establish the friendship and connection between you.  When you are both ready to come back to the problem and discuss it further or agree on a time to continue the discussion later.

 

Some useful approaches are –

• Describe what you are concerned about and how you feel clearly.
• Don’t blame, judge, or criticise the other person – focus on explaining your concerns.
• Be polite and friendly.
• Show appreciation for the other person – thank them for the things they do or say that you like. Focus on situations when things have worked well between you and discuss how you can work together now.
• Discuss things that upset you early – try not to let things build up.

 

 

 

 

6. They continue to work together with problems that seem impossible to resolve.

 

Disagreements that seem impossible to resolve are often associated with hopes, wishes and aspirations that involve the person’s identity and give meaning or purpose to their life. (Such as tangible things like having children, buying a home, having a particular career or traveling overseas. Or less tangible things such as wanting to feel safe or having individual freedom or an adventurous life).

 

In happy relationships they want to know other people’s dreams and co-operate with each other to work towards all people realising their aspirations.

 

Sometimes people are less aware of their or others’ wishes and dreams – these are hidden dreams.

 

If you have reached an impasse or stalemate in a dispute in the relationship it is useful to identify the dreams that are fueling each person’s position. If you see the other person (people) as being the sole source of the problem and you are unable to see your contribution to the conflict it is very possible that there is a hidden dream that is driving, you.

 

You may find that when you both (all) recognize and acknowledge your dreams the conflict between you may initially worsen, because your dreams may seem in opposition. Be patient.

Steps that are helpful are –

1. Take turns talking honestly and clearly about what you would like to happen without criticising or blaming the other person. Explain where your dreams came from, what they mean to you and how you feel. (You may like to do this is writing and read it to the other person)
2. The other person (people) listens and tries to understand and encourage the speaker to explore their dream (even if it may seem to clash with one of their dreams). Offer support if you can. (don’t say anything about your own situation – just try to understand – later you will swap)
3. Calm yourself and the other person if needed.
4. Accept the differences between you and try to find an initial compromise by- Both stating

• What you see as your minimal desires which you can’t compromise on.
• And the areas for each of you which are flexible.  
• Agree on a compromise which honors both (all) of your dreams and a period to try it for.

 

5. Say Thankyou to the other person and describe what you appreciate about them and their efforts.

 

 

 

7. They create shared meaning in their relationship.

They create customs – like shared meals, rituals – like celebrating events in certain ways and stories – such as shared beliefs about the relationship e.g., “we work as a team, we bring out the best in each other”. They are open to each other’s beliefs, ideas and goals and respect and encourage them, even if they don’t share all the beliefs.

They create an atmosphere which encourages each person to talk honestly about their convictions.